I like to be in control. For those of you that know me well, this is not a shocking statement. I am a bonafide A-Type. I am not big on surprises, I get anxious about logistics, and I like things to go my way. During his wedding speech, my Dad described me as “particular”. I think that says it all.
The thing about pregnancy though, is that you are so not in control and this can be a little difficult to process. But, I’ve let go and here’s why:
The female body is spectacular and since our little one was conceived, I have been in complete awe of my body’s power. With this comes a bit of a disconnect from my brain – not in a bad way, just in a way that grants my body the space and freedom to do what it needs to do and wants to do.
As soon as I went off the pill (after being on it for 10+ years), I immediately wanted to be pregnant. I didn’t think about the complete 180 my body would need to do to even make that possible and while some women do get pregnant right away, it became apparent pretty quickly for me that it was going to take some time. As uncomfortable as going on the pill is, going off it has all the same side effects. I’m talking PMS to the extreme and not to mention the inconsistency from month-to-month. One month I was so convinced I was pregnant, but then I got my period, cried for most of the day, ate an entire pizza, drank a bottle of wine, bought a box of Fruit Loops and called it a day. (That is a true story. Ask my husband).
But, about six months after going off the pill, I noticed some regularity had returned and with that came a newfound hope that we could get pregnant. My body started to give me natural signs it was ready and just a few months of recognizing and appreciating those signs, we became pregnant.
Now, almost 15 weeks into my pregnancy, I feel like I am a backseat driver to the changes that are happening to my body. Not the kind of backseat driver we all know, but the kind that trusts and appreciates the journey without the need to rush to reach the destination.
After every doctor visit, I laugh a little because the nurses say things like, “Congrats on a healthy start to the pregnancy!” and while this is encouraging and nice, I laugh because I almost don’t want to accept the accolades for something I am doing subconsciously. My conscious mind is not running this ship. Hormones and a body that is designed to go through this process is in full control. Sure, I can fuel my body with healthy foods (minus the three French Macarons I ate last night while watching the season finale of The Bachelorette), drink lots of water, and exercise regularly. But in all fairness, the fact that this baby is looking healthy, growing well, and is an all around allstar already is because my body is a beautiful and powerful thing.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes giving up control isn’t as scary as one might think. There is so much beauty and wonder to be seen once you do. And, instead of worrying about my baby’s growth, heart rate, or genetic disposition, I am choosing to focus more on the things I can control, such as the color of the nursery (we’re on round two for that one), the three baby showers we’ll be lucky enough to have, and celebrating the wonder that is pregnancy with my incredibly supportive husband, parents, in-laws, and friends.