I was planning to post my week 17 update today, but sometimes real life happens and we need to change things up a little.
I very recently, as in the last hour, found out I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week. If you read my post from a few weeks ago, you may understand just how difficult this news is to receive.
I am not above understanding that we don’t always get what we want. I am very fortunate to have experienced a lot of success in my life to date and I realize that others may just be a better fit or more qualified for a role than I am. However, in these situations, doesn’t it always just feel a little personal?
Everyone will try to tell you it’s not, but, at the end of the day they didn’t pick me and to be honest with you, that feels pretty personal.
I was really excited about this opportunity. On paper, it was a dream job at a dream company. During my in-person interviews, I felt even more eager to impress, land the job, and prove that I could perform even better than they expected me to right away. The people were great and the atmosphere was humming. I left feeling really confident and optimistic good news would only be a few days away.
I even filled two online shopping carts with more work-friendly maternity wear. I was ready.
So, today kind of sucks. I find myself fighting negative thoughts that I am not good enough or that I wasn’t what they wanted. Whether or not that is true, my mind can sometimes be my worst enemy.
Trying to find a new job while pregnant has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced from an emotional standpoint. At times, a huge part of me feels like maybe this is just my time to focus on myself and everything that goes with becoming a mother – a role that is so special and so unbelievably rewarding that I do really want to savor every second of it. These feelings make me question whether I should even pursue a new full-time job and at times, these feelings also make me doubt my ability to focus my attention on my career.
But then, in preparing for the many rounds of interviews I’ve been going through over the last three months and once again opting to hit the “apply” button, I know in my heart and in my gut just how important my career is to me and that doubting my abilities to be both a mother and a professional woman is really just fear of not being good enough at either.
I knew if I got this job it would be challenging. I would be taking on a major stressor at a time in my life that is already riddled with change and varying emotions. I knew my husband and I would have to have many conversations about how we want to raise our baby and think really hard about childcare options, with both of us working full-time jobs. But, I still wanted it and that’s the part that makes today’s news just really difficult.
So now, I am just feeling a tad stuck and think I just need to spend some time thinking through my next move. I have a few really great freelance opportunities that I think might be the best option for me at this point. It’s not that I wasn’t excited or passionate about them, because I definitely am, I just had my sights set on something else for a while so I need to go back and revisit this ever-changing master plan.
What I do know though is there will be no more hiding or disguising my pregnancy, because at four months pregnant, babes is showing and I proudly want him/her to.
So I’m moving forward with my head up, my mind cleared (thanks to the therapeutic benefits of writing and sharing this) and focusing on the next thing life has to offer. After all, the lemons may be sour right now, but something sweet could be just around the corner.